Mildred Pierce

So the remake of Mildred Pierce was shown on Sky Atlantic this weekend. When it was announced that this was coming to tv I had just finished an assignment analysing the original Joan Crawford version for my film class. I loved the film. It was done in a film noir style in 1945 and was quite glamorous, earning a an Oscar nomination for Crawford. I wouldn't necessarily agree with the message in the film, that women who aim to achieve more than their male counterparts will be karmically punished for it.
The film is based on a novel by James M. Cain.

The story goes that Mildred is a housewife who kicks out her cheating husband to try and raise her two kids and pay the bills on her own. She works hard, in a job she feels is beneath herself and makes enough money using her wits and intelligence and builds her own restaurant business. But it is her oldest daughter Veda whom she has spoilt through the years that betrays her and humiliates her. You really have to see or read it to get the whole gist of the story. Crawford's version of Pierce is punished for her endeavours and I wonder if this new version with Kate Winslet will be different.

Already the critics are not impressed with the new version's bleakness and lack of convincing storyline. I think this is the intent. This time it's not film noir, it's post modern irony. Winslet's Pierce's struggle through the depression to try and get a decent job with just her home-maker skills echoes with myself and millions of mothers out there who are dealing with own reality with the current recession. I  found this version much more depressing, but a part of me is urging Winslet to bring some glimmer of hope to us mums who are watching this. Surely things right now are nowhere as bad as the Great Depression? Or should we prepare for worse to follow?

I urge everyone to at least watch the original film. Its probably the first black and white film I have really ever enjoyed!

The Honour of Motherhood

Today I have but one thing on my mind. My eldest daughter's seventh birthday. I am so incredibly proud of her. I'm also proud of myself for getting this far in motherhood. She was a beautiful baby at 6 lbs 6 oz. It was a difficult birth and motherhood just didn't come easy for me. We didn't bond the way I did with my second daughter. I think I hadn't realised how much motherhood would change me. It made me put everything into perspective and when I looked in the mirror, I didn't like what I saw. Why would my own child love me if I didn't love myself.

That was the dawn of post-natal depression for me. I didn't get treated for it until after I had my second child. When I realised today how long its been since I said to myself, "Today was a good/bad day" I realised I've been over it for a while. I didn't know that I could be this content with my life.

If I had never had my children, and learned how to love myself and make my life work for me, I never would have had the strength to get over losing my mother to cancer last year. My mother lost her battle 5 days after she turned 65. She had a difficult time of it, and its been a hard year coming to terms with her absence. Now I realise the gift she gave me of being the mother I am today. I miss her, but I only have to look in the mirror to see her in me.

I think my daughter is going to have an amazing day tomorrow, full of joy and contentment.

Giving it another shot!

Ok, so I thought I would have to write everything about my life all in one go. But there are so many parts of my life that vary every day.

I am a student but I'm done for the year, so I'll get back to that another time. Today I'm a mum. I've just baked fruity buns for my kids school. They are having a bake sale tomorrow. It came out awful, haha! I was like yeah, baby, I'm super mum, I can make home made cakes and be a student, and an actress and sing and all that hokey, and boom, I forgot to add the sugar and tried to remould the dough again and it looks like crap! They taste good though!

I have so much to do today, lots of ironing to catch up on because I was ill last week and a birthday party to finish organising. My daughters are turning 4 and 7 and they are having a joint party on Saturday in our back garden with a giant octopus bouncy castle. I think I am more excited than they are. Nah, scratch that, they are super excited.

So its a busy week ahead and I have a lot to be excited about. I start rehearsals on Friday night for the Agatha Christie play Murder on the Nile. Its the first drama I'm doing. I auditioned for a nice juicy part but a good friend of mine got it and I have a teeny part as an Egyptian beadseller. I am so grateful though, I love being able to get out of the house on an evening and be creative. Its such a huge passion of mine, and an addiction, to be on stage! I love it!

I've arrived

OK, I've attempted blogs before but this time I really need to try harder. My very wise cousin in New York told me I should do this, so AT, this is all your fault!

I want to use this blog to write about my crazy idea to go back to University again. You see back when I was 18, I left Gibraltar, fresh faced and fancy free to do a degree in Engineering. Crazy? I didn't have the best careers advice at school but to make a long story short, I picked from a list of top 10 best paid careers and ended up choosing Engineering.

I grew up in New York, where everyone tells you, you can do what ever you want, as long as you put your head to it! I suppose this is true for most people, but you have to have a real passion for it if you really want something.

I didn't really want to be an Engineer. So somehow I got through three years and ended up failing my last exams. Its ok, I never enjoyed it, but I did meet my husband there, he was my lab partner.

And so I left Uni, got a job at Prudential, looking after people's company pensions. It paid well, and I made a pretty good success out of a boring finance job. Once I had kids though, it just got tougher and tougher, until I hit a massive brick wall when my oldest daughter started school. I just couldn't manage.

So I got upset, left my job and sought some professional advice. What do I do now? My advisor asked me, what do you see yourself doing in ten years time? The first thing that shot out of my mouth, I want to write. I'd been writing short stories since I was five years old. When I was seven, my grandfather read one of them and was so excited for me that he gave me his typewriter to use. You see, my grandfather was a published writer back in the day, and his father before that.

Somehow in the move from New York to Gibraltar, I lost my confidence. I spent so much time trying to fit in, I forgot who I was supposed to be.

Now I had a second chance. I joined a creative writing class, and then an acting class. I joined the local amateur drama company. The first play I did was a musical and I had wonderful principal part that had me singing solo on stage for the first time ever. 

It was truly amazing. My creative appetite was growing, and after much soul searching, and web crawling, I found a degree in Humanities I could apply to at the nearest University where I could study the modules I wanted, Film Studies, Philosophy, Creative Writing, and Acting.

I applied, and despite the competition, got accepted a few weeks later. Its been four amazing weeks and I'm just doing Film and Philosophy this year, part time, until my youngest goes to school full time. I should have that magical BA Hons degree in my hands in four years.

I've had a lot of help from family and friends, and a wonderful guardian angel.

I wanted to do this blog to maybe there have been so many people who have inspired me. This is my way of thanking them.